mormons are crazy

seated around a table in the posh faculty club with fellow academics, and a couple of glasses of wine under my belt which contributed to my deluded sense of conviviality, i turned to our esteemed seminar leader, a very well known and extremely successful professor for whom i have boundless respect and said to her in an attempt at light conversational banter, "i think mormons are totally crazy!"

she gave me a pained look at which point i said, "i suppose i shouldn't say that." and instead of calling me out as the bigot that i am, she just nodded uncomfortably. i think it's safe to say my respect for is unrequited...

that bridge to nowhere

thanks to c. for reminding me about this log. no, i'm not retired. and it is no comfort to me at all that it requires almost no thought for me to recall something i did that would qualify for these illustrious pages.

only just yesterday after our faculty colloqium, i was sitting around yucking it up with the guest speaker (a nice old lady) and another professor, discussing her talk, which was about darwin cartoons & satire. suddenly, i found myself launching into a racist joke:

"i heard a joke on the radio the other day! it goes like this. a jew, a pole and an irishman walk into a black hole. (end of the not-funny joke.)"

ba-dum-bump.

i really have to stop talking when i feel uncomfortable in social situations. i'm going to get myself tarred and feathered. or fired.

egregiously slanderous slander

In a fit of anxiety regarding a certain someone's entry into the public school system, I managed to slander teachers, white people, the partially educated, and the entire general population of the state we live in (which is of course coterminous with "white people") in a single phrase, which I won't repeat here.  Although I regret having voiced this stunning piece of negativity out loud and in public, I stubbornly continue to rue the day that my precious daughter was integrated into the mandatory, State-run ideological indoctrination factory known as "kindergarten."  (What, the kids are fucking plants?  And what's with the German?)

i said she was fat

i remain mortified that i responded to something like the following -- "i haven't exercised in a while" -- with "yeah, you've gained some weight."  this, i was later informed, is exactly the same as saying "you're fat."  i'm losing sleep over this, but the person in question has taken up yoga with a renewed and vigorous interest and is looking mighty fit these days, so it might work out for the best.  now if everyone would just forget that i said it.

it's a chronic thing

i figured it out at long last. every time i open my damn mouth i say something apalling. there is no cure. only a slow ineluctable death by shame.

cure for negativity found!

stay at the hanscoms for one week + feel unabashed sense of comfort and affection.

i'm having trouble

i'm starting to have trouble distinguishing between being inappropriate vs. justifiable negativity. my dilemma is this.

last night there were a bunch of kids hanging out in the living room until 2 am. i went downstairs to tell them to shut the fuck up when i noticed that chris, the kid who lives here, was passed out on the couch and everyone else was still partying without him. i went upstairs and then went right back downstairs because i decided to kick them out. upon which they told me they were waiting for a pizza. that's when i said "i don't give a shit". at this point i think i had eyes of daggers which i reportedly get when i'm angry. i was pretty sure i was fibrillating like mad. in a few minutes i heard them go outside.

you'll note

i have not posted anything negative lately. this has less to do with any personal transformation and more to do with simple lack of human contact. it's hard to be negative when interacting primarily with a dog. although i did give her the cold shoulder for few days for the steaming pile of shit she left at the top of the stairs last week. but that wasn't really her fault. unless, she left it there on purpose for me... hmmm.

i just remembered

i called c. a fag last week. that's not cool. is it? i wish i could just remember why i called him a fag in the first place. it must have been something faggy he did. i got to stop using that word.

a last resort

sometimes when a wave of negativity is about to burst from my lips, i simply think of puppies and all is well in the universe again.

i found the cure

it's true. there is a solution to eliminating negativity. it's impossible to say anything negative when you don't talk to other human beings. i'm not really counting my students though... is that negative?

i was glad she got pulled over

so i was driving along the interstate the other day, a sunny day, and i was passing a long line of slow-moving vehicles. i was driving at a fast but moderate speed, so the passing of said slow-moving vehicles was taking a while, and there was a small, snazzy blue car driven by a short blonde woman approximately 4 inches off my rear bumper, making it clear that she'd rather be passing the slow-moving vehicles much more quickly. her small swerves to the left and to the right were either indications of intense frustration, attempts to place her car squarely in a side or rear view mirror (as if i didn't know she was there), an unsubtle and unrealistic signal that she wished for a third lane on this particular interstate, or all of the above. we were ascending a long slope, and just before we crested the hill, i completed my steady passing of the cars and moved into the right lane to let her fulfill what was apparently her life's desire, to get around me and proceed at her own pace. as she roared by, fairly leaping over the ridgeline, i wished fervently that she would get pulled over and slapped with a hefty fine. to my surprise, this is what immediately happened - there were two state troopers at the bottom of the hill, radar guns at the ready, and she was pulled over, voila, right in front of me. i am ashamed both of wishing her ill and of the intense glee that i felt as i watched her karmic punishment unfold.

will someone stuff a sock in my mouth already?

a student approached me after class the other day to tell me that he'd be absent next week. he would be attending his father's graduation from college. a number of appropriate reactions to this come to mind now, such as "congratulations!" or "that's wonderful" or "what a momentous occasion!" but instead, i managed to say what one normally reserves for puppies and other small furried creatures which is, "aw... how cute!" if he dropped out of my class right now for being patronizing and full of myself, i would have absolutely nothing to say in my defense.

negativity lapse?

Is it possible I haven't said anything negative in a while? There must be a negativity blitz coming on... Though maybe it's because listening to the leaked tape of Alec Baldwin berating his daughter scared the bejeezus out of me, that I would somehow become him, a whirling dervish of negativity.

they test well

today i announced that the students admitted to a certain university certainly test well but apparently cannot think independently. i shouldn't have generalized like this - i'm sure there are a few independent thinkers on campus.

i introduced myself as a professor

we had a ksa (korean students assoc) meeting here at school to talk about the v. tech shootings on thursday and they asked the three of us who were "professors" to introduce ourselves to everyone. it was prospective student weekend and the room was packed of current students, prospectives and their parents. that's when i took it upon myself to declare all confident like that i was a "visiting professor" and then i cringed internally, mortified at myself. that is decidedly presumptuous since i haven't finished my ph.d. yet, nor have i even opened my dissertation once in the past two weeks to work on it.

i made them stop googling

yesterday, i was teaching class when the news started coming out about the shooting. i told the kids to stop googling and pay attention to the class. i didn't realize the magnitude of the event and now i feel as though i acted like a cranky belligerent teacher. i think we'll discuss it in class tomorrow. especially considering that a korean kid was the shooter. what will this do for koreans living in the south. will we be vilified and racially profiled as criminals now?

when it's cold and snowing

it's hard not to be negative when it's been snowing for two days... in mid-april. all i want to do is walk around saying shut up, fuck you bitch! all day long.

she's is like so jealous of me

sometimes you hit a lull in a conversation where you fill it with empty meaningless gossip. i did this when i was having coffee with c. and said i heard that s. was jealous of all the job interviews i got and how i thought she was a competitive bitch because of it. what a totally arrogant jackass i am.

i told her she has bad taste in cars

h. wrote me the other day that she loves the subaru hatchback, a car which i wholeheartedly revile. i responded with "you have horrible taste in cars!" i think she did not take this comment well, in the same way that she did not speak to me after i told her i thought "destiny's child" sucked. i haven't heard from h. in days. i shouldn't tell people what is or is not good taste. this is a subjective thing, no? clearly still much to learn.

let me tell you something

it's really hard not to make other girls cry.

i blabbed about someone else's salary

i told d.k. (a professor) today that c.s. (another professor) only makes $45,000 a year. while it's true, i should have just shut up (fuck you bitch).

i shouldn't mock a four year old

my friend c.h. has a beautifully articulate child. who happens to mix her l's for y's. i found this out when it was raining and she said she was scared of the "yightning". i thought it was so funny i made her say it three times without correcting her. i don't think you should mock four year old children.

Distasteful Cherries

Well after I hit the publish button, I will have officially lost my blog cherry.

* Ahahahaha. I popped your cherry! -babibi

i called my housemate a racist

my housemate larry, i thought, was a racist. but it turns out he's just ignorant. he gave me a hug the other night before going to bed. then i had a conversation in the kitchen this morning where he said, "from now on, no more eat dog jokes. sometimes me (making motion of drinking a bottle) ... say stupid things." i said to him, "that's okay larry but i speak english you know, i understand you perfectly." then he said, "me work... many mexicans (putting his hand down waist high indicating their height) they no speak english..." pretty soon, i think i'll get larry to speak in full sentences to me.

* I take it all back. Larry's still a racist. And he asked me to kiss him. Do all guys think that you'll take your panties off if they tell you you're a beautiful woman? Been there heard that... snap!

i may not have said fat and droopy

ok. this is a retroactive log to get things started. though i may not have called e. fat and droopy, i did turn and say to h. "when we get married let's make a pact not to let ourselves go." this was probably a mean thing to say. especially after h. told e. i said it. fuck you bitch. oh, i meant shut up.